PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Borowitz Report)—Backtracking from his earlier suggestion that the military should fire upon migrants if they throw rocks, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that he was ordering the military to respond to rocks with either paper or scissors.
Speaking at a rally in Pensacola, Florida, Trump said that the decision about whether to use paper or scissors to retaliate against rocks would ultimately be left up to military commanders at the border.
“If rocks come flying at them, they should go ‘paper, scissors’ until they have an answer,” Trump said.
He issued a stern warning to the migrants approaching the border, telling them, “The United States military sees your rocks and is raising you paper or scissors.”
At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary James Mattis insisted that Trump’s latest order was “not a stunt” but refused to answer how the military would come up with fifteen thousand pairs of scissors on such short notice.