Great news today, on almost every front!

  • Latest report: 600,000 jobs added in March; Bush now on pace to meet jobs projection in the Economic Report of the President.
  • Budget will be in balance in 2006, due to rapid economic growth caused by Bush tax cuts. Trade deficit plummets as current accounts deficit turns into surplus.
  • Citing the shining beacon of democracy in the adjacent country, Iran announced today that it will abandon its WMD program and hold democratic elections next October.
  • Outing himself, Richard Clarke admitted this evening that his only objective was to maximize book sales; retracts allegations that fighting terrorism was not the Bush administration’s top priority from day one.
  • Ken Lay was indicted this morning; arrest is imminent.
  • President’s Mars plan unveiled. Scientists concur that man will land on the Red Planet in 2007.
  • Mathematical error discovered: President’s Medicare plan will cost $400 billion as promised, not $540 billion!
  • Actual WMD found in Iraq. Hidden bunker containing 1.5 tons of VX gas, 8,000 liters of anthrax, 7,000 liters of botulinum toxin and nearly 1,000 liters of aflatoxin found in the “area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.”
  • Income inequality lessened over the last year. While all income brackets saw gains, the poorest households gained the most.

In response to this dramatic turn of events, lefty blogger Atrios accused John Kerry of opportunism and incessant flip-flops and then, on the debut broadcast of Majority Report on Air America, endorsed George W. Bush. Bob Somerby incomparably seconded the endorsement.