Dear Philadelphia Inquirer,
While I admit that—unlike your latest columnist—I am not responsible for that happening, I believe this qualifies me to write a monthly column for you. While I understand that you must keep the amount you pay for the column secret from the workers who took $25/week pay cuts in an effort to save the paper, I believe that we can quickly agree to an amount in the neighborhood of the $1,750 you pay Rick Santorum, whose Philadelphia ties are much more suspect than mine.
I will, of course, write columns for you specifying that the current financial system is in perfect order, functioning precisely as it should. This should give my column the same truthiness that Mr. Santorum and your latest columnist bring to your august institution, and “promote further discourse.”
You can reach me via this blog. I look forward to receiving a contract.