It Rarely Happens But What Goes Around Can, Potentially, Come Around
Dear Mr. Obama,
Incriminating information about a certain individual has come to my attention. In the 1980s, this individual praised and defended a small cabal that worked its way into the highest levels of government and then sold modern American military equipment to Iran in violation of any number of laws. In the 1990s, that individual would himself head an international organization that had dealings with Iran and Libya. He would also work to make it easier for others to deal with those rogue nations. In recent years, he was instrumental – by emphasizing false and misleading information from disreputable sources – at creating the conditions which led to the deaths of thousands of American lives, the loss of American prestige, and not incidentally, tremendous strategic benefits for Iran. More recently, he has come across a lot of classified information whose disclosure would put the country at risk. Much of that information is extremely up-to-date. With his history – especially where it pertains to a very hostile state (Iran) – this cannot lead to a happy outcome for the United States.
Fortunately, he has in the past shown a willingness to do what it takes to keep himself out of harm’s way, regardless of the damage to others. Thus, it is likely that he would cough up anything he knows quickly and with little fuss if physically threatened. Still, I would recommend waterboarding him. A lot. By about the 190th time, he’ll have confessed to so many things – true and false – that you’ll be able to use his statements to justify anything at all, from invading Canada to imprisoning his family members forever. I wouldn’t put it past him to accuse his own child of behavior so heinous that decorated war heroes who engage in it are chucked out of the US military with no recourse.
I think I’ve provided enough clues as to this man’s identity for the FBI to locate him. Good luck.