OldVet: Be of Good Cheer
Some holiday cheer sent by OldVet…
”Be of Good Cheer at the End of the Year, I’ve got Special Presents for you.”
1. OldVets are going to be drafted and sent to Iraq and Afghanistan , instead of young men and women. Old soldiers are cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry!” We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. We’ll get up early to fight because we have to get up early to pee, “I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-****.” If captured we couldn’t break under interrogation because even name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
2. You will get in the mail an “Up/Down” magic button for your desktop. It was designed on Wall Street by 20-something MBA’s who operate the “robo-trading programs” which account for world stock, bond, and currency markets all going Up or Down on any given day in unison. They listen to what is whispered in their earbuds and punch the button to reverse course for all asset classes simultaneously around the world. Now you can do the same in a form of financial “running with the Bulls.”
3. Good and honest people will be rewarded and bad and dishonest people will be punished in 2008. Savers will reap the rewards of thrift, and borrowers will reap the whirlwind of bankruptcy court. Those who honor their word will receive sweetmeats and stock tips, and the liars will be forced to wear Mickey Mouse costumes in Orlando and dance in floppy shoes for children who paw them with snotty chocolate covered fingers.
4. Human nature will change late in 2008 and peace will break out all over the world. Lions will lie down with lambs and lambs will wake up with all their limbs intact. George Bush will come on his Saturday morning radio show and declare, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” from Matthew 5:3-11, and mean it following a stern lecture from his momma.
5. In a stunning reversal of the spread of godless alienation and anomie there will be an epidemic of good fellowship and bonhomie. This will be driven by the perpetual writer’s strike in Hollywood which will leave TV to show only grinning Valley Girls and gym-tightened Ab Boys running around on “reality” shows, which will force people out into the streets. They’ll flock to the Ultimate Fighting arena where they will exchange high-fives and $20 dollar bills and scream “There IS a god!” as our less fortunate gladiators pound each others’ skulls to mush.
6. Every American will receive a letter from a Nigerian scam artist which encloses a cashable check for $100,000 and an apology for stealing your institutionalized Aunt Betsy’s money by identity theft, with a genuine return address on the envelope in case you’re not satisfied.
Merry Christmas, Xmas, Holiday, Chanukah, Tuesday next week, as the case may be. OldVet.
If its not obvious, this one was from OldVet.