Immigration Application

Noni Mausa considers a hypothetical application for immigration. I suspect her hypothetical candidate would get waterboarded. (I’ve edited the piece very, very slightly.)

Candidate for US Immigration — Report and Recommendations

Personal History
Applicant was born in a small town in the northern part of Israel. Neither he nor his parents are Christian, nor are they citizens of Israel. When he was a baby, his parents spent some time as refugees, returning to the area later. The family seems quiet and sober. In his early teens he ran away from his parents and was lost for a few days. He showed no interest in his family’s distress when he was finally found.

Education and Job history
He included no educational transcripts in his application. He is mostly or completely illiterate. Now in his early thirties, he is unemployed, though he may have worked in construction in the past. He lists no job references, and is unable or unwilling to account for his activities during the last ten years or so. His considerable ability as a lay-preacher seems to be his sole significant skill, but he has
not been ordained or studied theology. Instead he preaches a mix of scriptural fragments and personal intuition.

Current Family Status
He is unmarried, and has no fixed address, no savings, and few possessions. He does not speak any English, nor has he tried to learn it. His current activity as an itinerant preacher pays no salary, nor does he seem to be interested in gainful employment. He appears to be supported in a haphazard manner by people who are impressed by his preaching. He usually travels with a group of supporters, men who are also unemployed.

Criminal History
He has had minor run-ins with the law, but these may indicate greater potential for trouble. He has a history of disruptive, irrational behaviour, especially in church, where on one occasion he attacked the staff. Charges were not laid in this incident. He has done “faith healing”, has also stolen livestock and damaged crops and trees. He has shown no regret and has not apologized for any of these incidents. He is often found loitering in parks, but also spends a good deal of time in unpopulated areas. He sometimes goes without food for long periods, and reports vivid hallucinations and hearing voices during these fasts. He drinks alcohol in moderation. He has not been known to use any illicit or prescription drugs.

Recommendations
The applicant speaks no English, had an unstable upbringing, has no proof of formal job training or experience, has no financial resources, and shows no interest in fitting into the community or making amends for disruptive behavior. In our opinion, he is ill-suited for immigration to the USA — in fact, we have seldom seen
anyone less well suited. Obviously he has nothing to offer America.

This one was by Noni Mausa.