Edward Charles Ponzi Jr’s New Year Predictions

I realized too late that I didn’t put up any predictions for the New Year. But all is not lost… Reader Edward Charles Ponzi gets a jump on the competition by making predictions…. for 2008! (Don’t tell him, but I suspect a few of these may be wrong.)


It’s time to release my predictions for 2008! Tremendous research has gone into these predictions – so adjust your plans accordingly.

1- Chelsea Clinton beats Jenna Bush to become the next president. Both candidates side-stepped serious US economic concerns to focus on the latest culture war issue: “NASCAR vs. Tennis”

2- Turns out Warren Buffet was secretly making highly leveraged trades in natural gas to boost the fading real returns of his fund. A down-tick leaves him $400 billion short and he ends up living in a trailer in Omaha. His children refuse to help him.

3- After the derivatives market reaches $14 quadrillion dollars, Goldman Sachs issues its first trillion dollar bonus to a partner. The partner buys the entire nation of Belarus – as his young wife was originally from there.

4- Supreme Court says OK to new provision of Patriot Act that allows police to “cop a feel”.

5- In order to save face – the US attacks Taiwan. It seems that China sent a transmittal telling us that they were about to do so and that if we didn’t like it – they would cut off our $7 billion dollar daily allowance. The reason shown to the UN general assembly in a Power-Point presentation was that Taiwan was the web-host of all leading terror groups – so we went in to find “servers of mass destruction”

6- Fox news secretly buys The Nation – but readers get suspicious after the third article attacking the “death tax”.

7- After the Panic of 2008 just before Christmas, Bernanke issues The New Gold (colored) FED Master Card – which has a rather high limit and does not require repayment. In spite of clearly soaring prices the official CPI remains unchanged. Bed, Bath and Beyond has a record year.

8- Osama bin-Laden is finally found – chopping vegetables at a middle east foods restaurant in Brooklyn. Claims he has been there since 1999 and does not know who that “other guy” is.

Best to all of you!

Edward Charles Ponzi Jr
edthedci AT gmail DOT com